It’s 6:46am and I am sitting at the table in my mother’s kitchen. Why? I am in survival mode. I FINALLY (well, hopefully) got everything straightened out with the insurance. I have an appointment for my Spravato treatment Monday afternoon.
I have been feeling worse and worse and at this point I am literally in survival mode. My goal is just to make it to treatment. I am trying to do everything I can. As you are aware, I started this blog, which is a big deal as it allows me to share my story and also just to process and reflect.
Yesterday was a rough day. Yesterday was a ‘my body is heavy and sluggish and I just want to curl up and die’ rough day. Aside from the insurance frustrations which actually got worked out, there was no reason for me to feel any worse. I think that is probably the worst part of depression. . . you know you “shouldn’t” feel the way you do but you can’t change it.
Anyway, I am not well, and I am trying to be proactive about it as much as I can. Yesterday I got everyone to agree to a family lunch out. We had gift cards from Christmas still and it’s nice just to get away from everything and spend time just the four of us. I hope they enjoyed it as much as I did. And I hope that they know that just because it didn’t fix anything, I am still so grateful for that time.
I’m at the point where it is a challenge to do just about anything. It doesn’t help that I just don’t have the motivation to keep fighting.
Yesterday, after failed attempts to make plans with anyone, I knew my oldest would be up for a game night at my mom’s. It’s one of her favorite things to do and she is always trying to get me to go with her. It was just about the last thing I wanted to do, but I knew I needed to do something to be around other people and keep myself occupied.
I’ve been on this roller coaster for almost 4 decades, its becoming predictable. I just pray that once again I will make it through. I am definitely struggling to keep my head above water.
And you know what, I am so sick of people who are always like, let me know if there is anything I can do and you ask for something and they deny it. Do you have any idea how much courage it takes for me to actually ask someone for something? And it just seems inevitable that when I need it most the answer is almost always no.
And that, of course, just makes everything worse as I tell myself what a loser with no one to reach out to and no one willing to help me through the ugliest moments.
I will write more later. Hoping to head home soon.
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