My writing has slowed down a bit as I have been experiencing worsening depressive symptoms. I have zero motivation. I struggle to accomplish anything. It’s something that’s next to impossible to explain to someone who has never felt it before. You know the saying “The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.”? It’s kind of like that. I want to be productive, but I just can’t make my body move. Everything takes energy I just don’t have. I have caught myself pausing to regroup just walking down the stairs.
It’s so frustrating, because I keep telling myself there is no reason to feel this way and I am just being lazy.
They decided to put me back to twice weekly Spravato treatments, and as of yesterday that was approved by the insurance company, so I will go for treatment again tomorrow. I did see at least some improvement overall with the Spravato, so I am hoping that getting back to regular treatments will improve things.
Bic has been occurring more frequently since I had not been receiving Spravato. I’m actually sitting here now trying not to think about how much I want to just let loose. History would dictate that it will feel really good for a really short period of time and then a whole lot worse, but all I can focus on is the moment of relief.
Another of the depressive symptoms that has gotten worse is that I am super emotional. It doesn’t take much at all to make me teary eyed. And living in a kind of on edge state just makes everything worse. The good news about being more depressed is that even though suicidal ideation is usually worse, the lethargy leaves me with zero motivation to act on it. Instead I lay and plead with God to let me die.
Here’s where things get interesting. While I am feeling like I can barely move and it takes effort just to get up to go to the bathroom at times, I’m also experiencing times of major anxiety. So, my body doesn’t want to do anything and my mind is racing and I just feel out of control.
And given my current mental state, it has taken me almost an hour just to write this much.
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