Sometimes It Has to Get Worse Before It Gets Better

I know I have not written in quite awhile. Rather than go back and figure out where I left off, I’ll just start with where I am.

I have one more week of twice a week Spravato, and then I will return to once a week.

I haven’t hurt, or even wanted to hurt myself in three weeks. I am starting to regain energy and motivation that has been missing for quite some time. And I am 100% convinced that the Spravato is working, as that is the only thing that has changed. My husband and I are both still looking for jobs, bills are piling up, the kids activities just get more and more expensive. I’m not trying to complain, just that the stressors are all still there.

It’s definitely a long road ahead. But when you’ve been living at a 0 even a 1 feels better. I’m still struggling to get off the couch. I still feel like a complete failure. But the difference is I am slowly getting my fight back.

Yesterday the sun was shining and the kids were gone so I suggested we walk to the little neighborhood bar for dinner. Unfortunately, I acted immediately, and I waited for a response to my text secretly hoping he would say no. He did not. So, we went. I walked all the way there, I sat in public and enjoyed my husband’s company. Those moments haven’t existed for a long time. So even though I physically still feel the thick fog of depression, I know that the light is soon to break through.