As you will come to learn if you stick around long enough, my brain often gets in hyperdrive. I am telling you this because that is where I am right now. When this happens, my thoughts are racing faster than I can get them out. My anxiety is through the roof. All the muscles in my abdomen are clenched. It’s hard to breathe. And the more I try to talk myself out of it the harder it becomes.
Ok, so I started getting amped up just describing how it feels, so let’s skip to what it is. People talk about hearing voices and that is not what I am talking about, but I don’t know a better way to explain it. It just occurred to me that maybe what I experience is not a universal. Does the phrase “read out loud in my head” make sense?
Well, my thoughts come out like the narrator when I read out loud in my head. Like the angel and devil “voices”. They are just thoughts, but you hear them in your head.
I have actually heard voices (not usually audible words) so I can vouch for this being something else.
Anyway, its constant rapid-fire thoughts. I still struggle with the idea that “you are not your thoughts”. If my thoughts are not me then what the heck am I?
So, I am now coming back to the computer, and I couldn’t tell you why I stopped writing. I can tell you that the last thing I did before starting to write again was complete a job application on indeed.
And I wanted to just stream of conscious write tonight, a little glimpse into what it’s like but its too much right now. I am struggling with more thoughts than I can focus through.
Time to get high. I know, I am sure that got lots of eye rolls and people immediately tuning out, but right now there are a handful of things that help and getting a marijuana high somehow slows the thoughts down. They don’t come as rapid fire and I can work through them.
Until the next visit from the writing muse . . .
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