Every time things are really bad, it gets to a point where I don’t think I can last another second and through divine intervention something happens and somehow everything ends up even better than it was. The problem is that I feel like the point I can’t last another second is getting dangerously close to the edge of sanity.
I find myself getting lost in thoughts of overthinking. The worst one most recently is the debate over my character. Am I a good person? And the thing is I can honestly answer both ways with supporting evidence, but what looms then is that when I am being a good person am I doing it for the right reason or am I looking for how it could benefit me. Is everything I do just a vain attempt to better my place at the table?
I can literally walk you through the side that makes me look like a bad person of just about any situation because that is how I have been programmed to see it. It’s not about what went well, its always about how to make it even better.
Just in time . . . cue the intrusive thoughts. You were with me intelectually just there. Nothing major to spark anything, and yet I am overcome with intrusive thoughts of Bic. These are the bad ones. The visual visceral imagery you can feel in your bones. Perhaps its why I have such a hard time watching any kinds of guts and gore in movies because it just flashes back the rest of the feelings.
Honestly there are days when I don’t know what the heck I am fighting for. I truly believe it would be hard for the girls and my husband to adjust to life without me; I am not convinced it still wouldn’t be for the better long term.
I sit with my fingers perched above the keyboard. Waiting perhaps for some muse of inspiration. There is no muse here. They ran away in terror. My head is a weird juxtaposition of rapid random thoughts and heavy slow motion attempts to focus enough energy to keep going.
Until we meet again. . .
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