My body is calmer this morning, which is a welcome relief. Sometimes I get so tense and anxious that my muscles are clenched and cramped. Mental illness is NOT “just in your head”. There are actual physical bodily components. Some even measurables like heart rate and pulse ox.
There are days, and today feels like it may be one of them, when just moving my body is a challenge. Everything feels sluggish and heavy. Something as simple as standing up seems to take more mental capacity than I have and the attempt to focus my energies enough to accomplish whatever simple task, completely and overwhelmingly draining. It is probably the hardest symptom to explain to someone who has never felt it.
There is this paralysis that is a real physical struggle to move through. Imagine that you are walking but you are doing it through a gelatin snack (not sure about the use of brand names so props to you know who you are). While a much more sensory journey, the gelatin makes it that much harder to move your body forward. You aren’t being lazy. There are forces creating resistance.
If I told you to hurry up it would only frustrate you further as you are already using every bit of strength you have to persevere on the journey. But take away the tangible force creating resistance and suddenly it is smooth sailing. For some, that force creating resistance isn’t tangible. Suddenly, if a problem can’t be seen or touched or heard by someone else, it must not exist. You are lazy. You just need to hurry up.
Biggest problem with this is that I am my own worst critic. I critique everything, EVERYTHING, I do. It always could have been better. It should have been handled differently. I shouldn’t have said it the way I did, I think it came out with the wrong tone.
I don’t know the exact origins, but I have definitely internalized the belief that nothing I say or do will ever be good enough. I can add all the positive self-talk you want; I don’t believe it. I can always tell you how I could have done better in any situation. Furthermore, any problem or conflict or imperfection within arm’s length is for sure a result of my pathetic failures.
Of course, now I am starting to feel tension rise in my body. That heaviness in my chest, that feeling of guilt in the pit of my stomach, more rapid breaths, muscle weakness, brain fog, and the compulsion to Bic rising.
I just need to survive today, right? Tomorrow is Monday. A new week. A new hope for getting the pieces that I need to together. Try to get the letter from my previous employer so I can get on my husband’s insurance and start the process all over again of trying to get Spravato approved by the insurance company. Try to follow up on the complaint filed with the Department of Labor. Try to reach out to the patient support program through Johnson and Johnson for Spravato for any possible alternative ways to get the treatment in this state of limbo.
And then there’s the fact that I was fired. I need to find a new job. Every day I am submitting applications, but so far I have had one initial interview.
Ok, pity party over, I should attempt to get something productive done.
Leave a Reply