I mean, really, is it that funny, Big Guy? I HATE crying. I will do anything in my power not to cry. AND YET, just about anything sad, or extremely happy, or intensely emotional, etc, and my eyes tear up. But today . . . today it was the return of the random tears.
Just another step back.
Everything is wrong.
I am wrong.
At least that’s the track playing currently.
I keep yelling at myself for thinking about Bic which just shames me into stronger urges to Bic.
But it’s been getting worse.
I don’t want to die. I don’t think it is fair to everyone else. I think for me personally to cause an end to my life would be selfish. I don’t think it is ultimately my decision to make. I may spend a lot of time praying for death, but I would not take my own life.
But that’s the quiet rational line that runs like a trickle from a leaky faucet while the waterfall roars at the top of it’s lungs, you don’t deserve to live. You only make life harder for those around you. And so on . . .
I should be used to this by now. God damn me started to let my guard down a little in believing Spravato could help. A treatment dangled in front of me, given to me to see for myself it wasn’t a joke, and then make it clear I won’t be able to use it.
The clinic canceled my January 16th treatment because the insurance informed them, I was no longer covered. I have been trying to sort this out since.
The insurance company says my previous employer terminated my insurance as of the date of my termination at work and effective that day.
I filled out all the paperwork to transition the girls and I unto my husband’s insurance so we could just go ahead with that and start trying to get the Spravato approved, New insurance company needs a letter stating why the coverage was terminated from the employer. They say they didn’t terminate it and its effective til January 31. Only, it’s not! I am not able to use it. And now I can’t get new insurance, and I can’t use the old insurance so I can’t even start the process of getting everything through the approvals and any other necessary hoops.
I can feel myself fading. I can feel myself forgetting why anyone would fight so hard for so long to just feel normal as my thoughts delve deeper into questions that lead to my own feelings of worthlessness.
I shall attempt to be present to my family for awhile.
Leave a Reply