WHITE! I could barely open the back door to let the dogs out this morning because there is so much snow behind it. I don’t think we got hit nearly as hard as they were talking, but we did get plenty of fluffy white stuff ALL OVER!
When I was thinking about starting the blog this morning it felt a little like a weather forecast segment. Let’s see how things are looking right now and let me tell you what to brace for this afternoon, lol, etc.
I am definitely in that state of doing my best to make light of things because if I stop and think too long I will fall apart completely.
Part of me is ready to stop fighting. To accept my fate. So many years ago “they” were ready to give up on me. They thought the only thing left to do was institutionalize me. I was a lost cause.
Fortunately, I was young enough and strong willed enough that I wasn’t going to accept that. I was able to muster together whatever I needed to “be ok” and move on.
I may have been able to get it together enough to appear ok. Maybe even to convince myself for a time that everything was okay. And THANK GOD for that. Otherwise, two beautiful radiant souls never would have entered the world through me.
But they are growing up. They don’t need me to guide them any more. They are finding their own paths. I believe they will make it just fine on their own.
Sorry, that may sound more bleak than I intended. I think I have accepted that even at the times I most want to, I will not end my own life. It is not mine to end. I do not know the biggest picture. Maybe it’s one small act of kindness that won’t be needed for another twenty years but will change the course of someone’s life for which I have to endure the present. Wouldn’t it be just my luck that I would fail to reach the one moment that would have made all the difference.
At any rate . . . here's to another magical day. It's 8:26am and I have already had my coffee, caught up with my family, written a blog, smoke a cigarette, made notes for a job interview on Wednesday, and well, perhaps faltered a little with bic (click here for more on bic).
I just pray that there can be some kind of plan by the end of the day. I am treading as fast and as hard as I can, but my head is barely above the water. Right now, there is no light at the end of the tunnel, no end for that matter, and I barely feel capable of crawling forward.
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