Shutting down.

It’s only intermittent and to another perhaps unnoticeable, but I feel it coming.

I push the laptop further back on my desk so more of my arms can rest; it was getting to be too much to hold them up to type. That’s one of the signs. My body gets heavy and weary and it becomes draining to manipulate even simple tasks.

My once racing mind is blank. The entirety of its capability going into focus on whatever the task at hand.

(You wouldn’t know if I didn’t draw attention to it, but I feel when ever I walk away or just stop typing for a significant period of time, it’s helpful to know there was a break in fluidity.)

Sorry, let myself drift off into a little dissociation there. Easy to do in those rare moments, a welcome escape no matter how brief. Actually, that’s the one side effect of the Spravato I actually look forward to. I think I am unusual in that regard, but when I dissociate, the noise stands still. There is only goodness, joy, peace, curiosity, a sense of spiritual connection. There is no judgement, only observation. There is no existence outside of that very moment in time. It is not selfish it is time to be present to myself. It is prayer. And when the dissociation ends, and I slowly come back to a more physical awareness of the room. Sometimes it lasts longer than others. Sometimes I just want to lay there and bask it what it felt like. Sometimes I feel antsy and can’t sit still and want to know when 2 hours will be up and and and what am I going to do now and what am I going to do tonight and what are the plans for the weekend.

They tell you that you never react exactly the same way twice to the medication; I thought that was an absurd claim. But then I started taking it. There were days where I would have sworn it was a placebo because I didn’t feel a thing.

Okay, I just had to scroll back to figure out what I was talking about so there is no way in the h e double hockey sticks any of you followed that.

My brain is overworked and exhausted. It aches like a runner’s side.

I just looked at the clock and it is only 4:46pm. This day feels like an eternity.

I just feel so all alone sometimes. Like not only do people not get it, but people also don’t want to get it. Support is better a thought from afar. No one wants too close to this holy mess.